I always had an inkling something maybe wrong with my reproductive organs. At 15 I was diagnosed with my first ovarian cyst. The following 18 years doctors could not figure out my pelvic pain, irregular bleeding, or why I kept getting large bleeding cysts.
It wasn’t till I started trying to conceive a child did a diagnosis come about. Moderate endometriosis, also known as stage 3 endometriosis, which causes multiple deep implants on pelvic organs plus cysts, fibroids, and more painful growths. The only way this disease can be diagnosed is through laparoscopic surgery. Typically, it takes women six-ten years to get a diagnosis. It took me longer because doctors didn’t believe my pain until I couldn’t bare a child. This moment of diagnosis explained it all. Why as I tried and tried; my physical womb lay bare while friends brought bundles of joy into the world.
Still after years of trying to conceive, multiple procedures, and a whole bunch of therapy, I still could not get pregnant. My mind went wild, as a person who was born female gender it feels as if I must carry a child. The most primal part of my existence I could not fill. The simple act of passing on my DNA.
I’m not the only one who struggles with my womanhood. What if you are born female but into a male body? As a reform Jew I attend a liberal synagogue that supports the LGBTQ community. During a conversation about feminine duties during shabbat (Jewish sabbath) the topic of praying for children came up. Motherly spirits expressed how hard it is knowing they could not physically bare children. Yet, other ideas flowed through the conversation too. It wasn’t just about continuing the cycle of human existence. As those who identify as feminine divine, we can give birth and nurture much more than just children.
As I sit here in the early hours of Saturday morning, my cat slumbers next to me, my partner exploring his dreamland, I sit curled into a ball. My stomach churns and burns from fertility drugs I’m taking in preparation for IVF treatments. Still, I’m trying to begin a spark of life in my physical womb. Trying hard not to get ahead of myself; creating a human is a stressful business. I think about what creating a spark really means. To carry and give birth you don’t need to be a Cis-female. I think of my trans friends who identify as female, they give birth to such important life such as art, literature, ideas, innovative creations, and so much more. Each of us carries a bit of feminine no matter what gender we are born, we all give birth to great life, in addition we nourish our creations.
Not knowing if IVF will work or not does not bother me. I can only do my best to keep physically healthy. My pregnancy is the creation of literature and I give birth to poems, essays, memoirs, and articles. Each piece published is a child ready to run free. As feminine divine we do not have to carry a child physically to bring a spark of life into this universe.
Please give birth to your creations. Nourish your creativity, love and care for your beautiful sacred selves. Together we will bring great things to life.